“My last name is Alvarez and I didn’t learn Spanish until ninth grade.”
That’s the kind of first line David Brownfield wants from a college essay. Not buried in paragraph three. Right up front.
David spent about 30 years in TV production as a writer, producer, and executive for shows including The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Boy Meets World, CSI, NCIS and The Good Wife. Now he volunteers as a college essay coach with 826LA and at his daughter’s high school. He reads student essays the way he used to read scripts.
Here’s our conversation, lightly edited.
Me: Where do most essays go wrong first?
David: They bury the best detail. Lead with the most specific, striking thing you have. One concrete example beats a list of adjectives.
Me: How tight does the writing need to be?
David: In a 300 to 350 word essay, every sentence has to earn its place. Write first, cut later. Watch the ends of paragraphs. That’s where the “fat” shows up. Students run out of steam and either labor the point or add a new idea that undercuts the first one.
Me: Which is worse, boring or confusing?
David: Confusing. Readers switch off faster when they’re lost than when they’re bored. Aim for “70% comfort food, 30% bend.” Familiar enough to follow, surprising enough to hook.
Me: What are students getting wrong right now?
David: Over-writing so they won’t sound like AI. The prose gets flowery and vague. Many also obsess over word count during revision instead of quality.
Me: What if a student’s story is one lots of people share?
David: Take the LA fires. The topic can be common. The angle can’t. Find a distinct “way in.”
Me: Any advice for the full application?
David: Delve deep on a couple of topics instead of covering too much territory. Answer the actual prompt, because essays drift the longer students write. And make every essay sound like the same person wrote it.
When I read applications, the essays I remember follow David’s rules. They start with something specific and stay with it.
Thank you, David, for sharing what you’ve learned from a career in the writers’ room.
If you’re working on an essay right now, try one thing from this list: move your best detail to the first line and see what changes.
Such great insights! So often, the students I work with bury their best hook sentence 2, 3, or 4 sentences into the essay, when it should be the lead.